Vehicular Homicide

"It's that same vibe you get with any auto mechanic you've ever dealt with. Even though you're listening and nodding, in you're head you're like, this guy is fucking me big time. You just believe whatever they say. They're like, 'Yeah, we had to replace the roof on your car, it was peeling back. It resented the rest of your car, so we replaced that. Also, there was a tiny Unicorn in you're exhaust, and it was jumping and poking holes in your exhaust. And he was shitting in your filters as well. So we had to get that out of there.' Wow, thank you very much. I did not know that there was a tiny mythological animal jumping around in there, that's very dangerous. Shitting in filters, no way! Especially with a road trip coming up, that's very dangerous. Shitting in filters; that little son of a B. Wow. Wow! How much is that gonna ... seven thousand. I was going to suggest, I'd like to pay seven thousandish. I'd love to pay for that. Thank you for not fucking me big time."
-- Dane Cook

I was going to get into a long story about how I ended up paying $600 to fix a car I drive mainly to park from one side of the street to the other so I could pass inspection so I didn't get a $50 ticket...and how having a car is like having a child who grows up to be Gator from Jungle Fever always looking for some more money...and how this has basically killed my summer before it began but I just don't have the energy anymore.

If you want to get me something for my birthday, buy my car from me.

Movie of the Week Pt. II: Over The Hedge

It was a great family movie with enough adult references to warrant childless folks to go see it. All the voices were great, especially Steve Carrell as Hammy - shock-surprise - but it made me wonder why Jim Carrey doesn't do animation voice work because he would be great for it.

Anyway, instead of getting into specifics about the movie, I would like to use this post to address a huge pet peeve of mine:

Toddlers at the movies.

No, I do not have children. So let me get that right out of the way.

My friend and I got into the theater and immediately I saw a kid in a stroller (ARE YOU SERIOUS?) so I said, "Let's sit as far away from that stroller as possible". I left to get a soda and I come back and a two parents and what I'm guessing by size and lack of verbal skills a 2-3 year old girl. It was so much worst. She wasn't even watching the movie. She was fussing THE WHOLE TIME. Eventually crying which sent a crying ripple throughout the entire theater and set off a couple of other kids crying.

It was my own fault. I broke the number one rule when it comes to seeing a kids movie: Go after 10 PM.

I'm not saying that children should not be allowed to go into the movies, especially a movie aimed at their demographic.

But, c'mon parents, use your best judgment.

If they are too young to ASK to see it...

If they are too young to REMEMBER ever seeing it...

If you cannot recall the last time they sat still for 90 minutes without being asleep, eating or in front of a TV (not the same as a movie because they are up close and have the OPTION to leave)...

If they do not understand the concept of "Shhhhh"...

You are just going to have to take them to the park or wait until it comes out on video so they can make you watch it seven trillion times.

I know this makes me sound like a crochety old man but the movie theater is not a day care center*

* I reserve the right to forget I ever felt this way if I have children.

Movie of the Week: X-Men: The Last Stand

Sigh...

I'll be honest, after I left the theater, I wanted to give the movie but after telling my friend about the movie I had to admit that there were some cool parts.

I don't know what to say about this movie. This wasn't Brett Ratner's fault. He did a competent job. There were some scenes that were better than anything in the first two X-Men movies. The Phoenix scenes were handled particularly well.

Whoever decided that this movie should only be 107 minutes not only ruined this movie but ruined this franchise.

It was clear that the writers of the movie had been given a list of things to address:

• Jean/Phoenix
• The cure storyline
• Give Storm a bigger role
• Solve the Cyclops-doesn't-really-do-anything problem
• Iceman vs. Pyro
• Introduce a bunch of new mutants (Angel, Beast, Callisto, Madrox)
• Give Colossus something to do
  
• Iceman/Rogue/Kitty Pryde love triangle
• Jean/Cyclops/Logan love triangle

And they were told to do all this in 107 minutes or less because even with the short running time, there managed to be filler.

There was a lot of potential. The cure story could have been cool. The Phoenix story could have been cool. The use of the next generation of X-Men stepping up could have been cool. But instead of there being a main plot and some subplots, there were ONLY subplots, some being resolved, some being forgotten and some rushed to an unsatisfying conclusion. And because of that, I felt detached from the whole movie.

It's sad. Given an extra 45-60 minutes and a better writer, this could have been the best of the X-Men movies.

Click "Read More" for spoilers.

• One of the things that I did not like about the franchise as a whole was the relationship between Magneto and Xavier. At first, when Xavier was killed by Phoenix right in front of Magneto, I was mad because Magneto would not stand for his best friend being killed. But he got over it pretty quick. Only after I left the theater did it occur to me that Magneto has endangered his "friend's" life in each movie.
• I think it's pretty pathetic that instead of actually giving Cyclops something to do in this movie, they killed him off. Not only that, they did it so unceremoniously that even though he died before Xavier, he never got a funeral or a tombstone. Nothing until the end. This should have been his movie seeing his wife was the main villain. It should have been Cyclops reaching through to her, appealing to her good side, not LOGAN. Then again, Cyclops wasn't getting a solo movie.
• Well, Halle, you got a bigger role. Too bad you didn't do anything with it.
• Did the two women of color HAVE TO fight each other? Seriously.
  
• Did Juggernaut HAVE TO say "I'm the Juggernaut, bitch" like that YouTube cartoon?
• It was a shame that the second best character in the franchise, Mystique, was taken out of play so soon.
  
• Beast didn't look that bad. But his fighting did.
• Magneto. Next time, just take a fucking boat to Alcatraz.
  
• I don't understand why Angel is on all the movie posters. HE ONLY HAD THREE SCENES AND FOUR LINES?
• I guess the guy playing Colossus can't act because they gave him as little to do without being considered an extra.
• Iceman finally "icing out" was cool..Although it looked stupid. Shame on you, WETA Digital. That was the best you can do.
• The whole Rogue going for the cure could have been dealt with better.
  
• Dania Ramirez. Hi there. My name is Sean. Can I buy you a drink?
  

The Rules of Courtly Love

I was reading an article about The Magnetic Fields' opus, 69 Love Songs, and the author mentioned Andreas Capellanus' Rules of Courtly Love from De Amore (written in the 12th Century).

What do you think? Was he wrong?

1. Marriage should not be a deterrent to love.
2. Love cannot exist in the individual who cannot be jealous.
3. A double love cannot obligate an individual.
4. Love constantly waxes and wanes.
5. That which is not given freely by the object of one's love loses its savor.
6. It is necessary for a male to reach the age of maturity in order to love.
7. A lover must observe a two-year widowhood after his beloved's death.
8. Only the most urgent circumstances should deprive one of love.
9. Only the insistence of love can motivate one to love.
10. Love cannot coexist with avarice.
11. A lover should not love anyone who would be an embarrassing marriage choice.
12. True love excludes all from its embrace but the beloved.
13. Public revelation of love is deadly to love in most instances.
14. The value of love is commensurate with its difficulty of attainment.
15. The presence of one's beloved causes palpitation of the heart.
16. The sight of one's beloved causes palpitations of the heart.
17. A new love brings an old one to a finish.
18. Good character is the one real requirement for worthiness of love.
19. When love grows faint its demise is usually certain.
20. Apprehension is the constant companion of true love.
21. Love is reinforced by jealousy.
22. Suspicion of the beloved generates jealousy and therefore intensifies love.
23. Eating and sleeping diminish greatly when one is aggravated by love.
24. The lover's every deed is performed with the thought of his beloved in mind.
25. Unless it please his beloved, no act or thought is worthy to the lover.
26. Love is powerless to hold anything from love.
27. There is no such thing as too much of the pleasure of one's beloved.
28. Presumption on the part of the beloved causes suspicion in the lover.
29. Aggravation of excessive passion does not usually afflict the true lover.
30. Thought of the beloved never leaves the true lover.
31. Two men may love one woman or two women one man.

Dear MTA

If you are going to paint the rafters in your subway stations, please put "Wet Paint" signs on BOTH sides of it so that somebody won't accidentally get red paint all over his leather coat.

Hypothetically speaking.

I will also be setting up a hypothetical PayPal account so people can make hypothetical donations towards my hypothetical cleaning bill.

Movie of The Week: The Da Vinci Code

So despite the awful reviews, I decided to catch the matinee (Sorry, Erwin)

It wasn't as bad as the reviews made it sound.

It wasn't a GREAT movie but it was good.

Granted, I did not read the book so there was still an element of surprise (or whatever surprise was left after the reviews had pretty much spoiled the crux of the story).

A couple of thoughts:

• Audrey Tatou is not as good an actress in English
• Portions of this movie looked like a special on The History Channel. Ron Howard owes them some money.
• Ian McKellen made this movie.
  
• Tom Hanks was miscast. He was just going through the motions. His presence hurt the movie more than anything else because we have come to expect great performances from him and this was the first movie I have seen that I did not like him in (No, I haven't seen The Terminal yet)
  

Movie of the Week: M:I:3

First of all, I liked it better than the previous two Mission: Impossible films.

The first two were exercises in style by two famous directors (De Palma and Woo).

This one was just a straight summer blockbuster.

Actually, it wasn't even that.

It was J.J. Abrams' soon to be cancelled "Alias" starring Tom Cruise (instead of Jennifer Garner) and given a 125 million dollar budget. He even reused certain character archetypes (Laurence Fishburne was Jack Bristow and Simon Pegg was Marshall)

Which I don't have a problem with because I love "Alias" (well, at least the first two seasons, now I just watch it out of habit).

On a side note, everytime I told a woman (except the one I saw it with) that I was going to see or had seen M:I:3, they cringed in revulsion. "Ew, I hate Tom Cruise. He's weird."

Did I miss something? Did Tom Cruise eat a baby in front of a million people or something?

So what he's weird? I shouldn't know that much about his private life anyway.

It's a shame because this is a good summer flick.

It's My Second Favorite Time of the Year 2006

(in case you were wondering what my favorite time of the year is)

Summer Movie Season Is Upon Us!!!

I'm going to see M:I:3 tomorrow to kick it off.

Here's how the rest of my season is looking...

May 19th:
The Da Vinci Code (No, I didn't read the book so I won't be one of those people who will say "The book was better")
Over The Hedge (Sorry, I'm interested)

May 26th:
X3: The Last Stand (It's not going to be as good a movie as X2 but it will probably be more action-packed)

June 2nd:
The Break-Up (I will ignore the fact that I am rarely impressed with anything Jennifer Aniston does)

June 9th:
Cars (This is probably the first Pixar movie I haven't been excited to see but that haven't made a stinker yet...yes, I liked A Bug's Life)

June 16th:
Nacho Libre (I didn't laugh once during the trailer but I won't hold that against it)

June 30th:
Superman Returns (Lois Lane has a kid? I'm sorry. That really bothers me)

July 7th:
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest (I still think there shouldn't have been a sequel but the trailer looked good)
A Scanner Darkly (I'm more excited for the Radiohead score/soundtrack)

July 21st:
Clerks II (they actually just moved this up from the 18th. I think Harvey Weinstein knows the same stoners and geeks who would see this movie will probably see Snakes on A Plane instead)
The Lady In The Water (hey, I liked The Village. I thought it was misleadingly marketed.)

July 28th:
Little Miss Sunshine (I just hope it shows in more than one theater)

August 4th:
Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby (Anchorman + Nascar. I'm still there opening weekend)
Fearless (supposedly Jet Li's last kung-fu flick. Yeah, right)

August 18th:
Snakes On A Plane (Get these motherfucking snakes off my motherfucking plane! I can't wait!)

Of course, this is all depending on good reviews.